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Man Blames Neighbors, Mother Nature for Fallen Tree in Yard

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Fallen Tree Enrages Local Resident

Man Claims Vengeance Against Mother Nature

The Fallen Tree in Theophanes Glurdbicks' Back Yard. Photo by Dave BowerTheophanes Glurdbicks of Salem, NY awoke on Monday morning to find that the top half of a 200-foot tall pine tree had snapped and landed on his yard. Nearing the end of winter and having collected a large amount of naturally fallen wood on his property, Mr. Glurdbicks was infuriated by this sudden disruption to his morning and called us to vent his frustration.

“I hadn’t even had my first cup of coffee, when all of sudden I heard this large cracking sound and then boom! I raced outside to see if anything had blown up, like my barn, but instead it was this friggin’ tree.”

Mr. Glurdbicks has many trees on his property, some of which he has a personal affinity for, but it was this one in particular that irritated him. The fallen section is approximately 70 feet in length and also inflicted minor damage to adjacent tree branches, some of which were strewn across his property.

“I have a very structured day, said Mr. Glurdbicks. “I get up at the same time and do the same things before I head out to work. This fallen tree has interrupted my flow and really pissed me off, and I’m gonna find out who’s behind it.”

I mentioned that perhaps it had been windy recently and that the tree might have been rotten, which may have caused it to give way.

“That’s a crock of bullshit,” he responded. “That tree was about 200 years old, it wasn’t going anywhere! There was no reason for it to fall! And if it was the damn wind, then the wind’s gonna answer to me!”

After speaking to Mr. Glurdbicks for over an hour, his frustration grew to the point where he claimed that the falling of this tree was some sort of plot against him.

“Why didn’t the other trees fall? They’re all there situated next to one another. Why just that one? It may be a Commie plot, or maybe it was one of the neighbors who aren’t fond my new mailbox, or the fact that I filled the potholes in my driveway.”

When I asked him again about the weather as a viable possibility, he vented further: “I’m gonna give Mother Nature a piece of my mind, if she’s responsible. Even more, I’ll make her pick up the damn tree and put it back to how it was. There’s a hardware store down the street, so she should buy a shitload of glue and fix the fucking thing. And if it wasn’t her, then I bet it was those damn neighborhood kids with their sneakers and chewing gum!”

Before taking pictures of the errant tree for this article, Mr. Glurdbicks added the following: “These trees work as a barrier between my neighbors and I, so now that one’s fallen…well…it’s just screwed up the overall vibe of my yard. I’m gonna have to move now.”

Dave Bower is Co-Publisher of The Free George. Photo by Dave Bower.

The Free George is the online magazine and visitors’ guide of Upstate NY, covering things from Albany to Lake Placid, including Saratoga, the Lake George region and the Adirondacks. Check out our City Blogs section for our extended coverage areas as well.

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