Dear Mr. Stifler: A Funny Cover Letter
It is with great…excitement…that I respond to the Thinly Disguised Secretary position, which I saw posted on peoplewithoutsouls.com. I recently graduated from an excellent school with a respectable degree, and replying to this position makes me want to gnaw off my arm. However, I am desperate, and I can feasibly perform the tasks you outlined in the job description such as data entry and wiping your derrière. Please don’t misunderstand me, Mr. Stifler, there is nothing wrong with secretaries. There is something fundamentally wrong with our society that so many intelligent, fabulous people wind up as secretaries. I mean, when you wrote that job description, were you trying to describe hell on earth? Because that’s definitely what it sounded like. Sure, work isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s just this thing we submit ourselves to Monday through Friday, watching helplessly as it sucks our happiness. Well, not me buddy-boy. Administrative office tasks are not why I decided to come out of the womb twenty-two years ago. I won’t marry your meaningless bureaucratic paperwork! Do you hear me!? YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME ALIVE!
Okay, I changed my mind, I’m still applying. It would be nice to afford expensive microwave dinners again. I also have student loans to pay. Ha. I feel pretty scammed right now, Mr. Stifler. My school told me I was going places. That the world was my oyster. For four years I studied things that interested me, and now I find there is no way to get paid for any of it, unless of course I have ten years of prior work experience. Which obviously I don’t. If I work for you then I’ll have ten years of stupid data entry experience, and I don’t think that will impress anyone. I’m going to cry and recite Shakespeare. No seriously, I am. To be or not to be, that is the question! For whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageously boring office work, or to take arms against a sea of depressing job opportunities and by opposing, move to the rainforest and live with monkeys. Oh that’s right…most of the rain forest is dead. Way to go Mr. Stifler.
On the bright side, I am hoping your office place has a coffee pot, complimentary tea bags, and stale cookies around the holidays. I guess to gain access to this consolation café I should try to impress you with you my relevant accomplishments. How about this: Figure A, good school. Figure B, look at my resume. That’s why I spent four hours writing my stupid resume, so you would read it. And now you tell me I have to rewrite my stupid resume using slightly different words while subtly flattering you and call it a cover letter? You are not that special, stop it. I know Mr.Stifler, I’m not that special either. You employers make that clear every day.
Whatever, I can’t think of anything else to say. So in conclusion, Mr. Stifler, I hope you realize what a bargain this is. You get my one hundred thousand dollar education, dashed hopes, and broken dreams, all for the low, low price of $15 dollars an hour. Another reason you should hire me is because if you do, I will give you my firstborn child. Still not convinced? Okay then. How about if you DON’T hire me I will TAKE your firstborn child. Ha-ha! Just kidding! I’m not that crazy. Oh shut up, you are so that crazy. Be quiet Mr. Bunny! I am trying to get a job here! My apologies, do continue…you are crazy though. Mr. Bunny, I mean it! If you do not go away this instant I’m going to stop feeding you carrot martinis! Oh my goodness, sorry about that Mr. Stifler, that was the cockroach who lives in my brain named Mr. Bunny. He started talking to me shortly after I graduated college and looked at the job market and was hospitalized for an anxiety attack. Anyways, thank you for your time and consideration. If you have any further questions please do not hesitate to call me on my cellular device or send me an email. I look forward to scheduling an interview with you at mutually convenient time.
–Briavel Schultz is Assistant Editor of The Free George.
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